YOU CARE FOR ME, DON’T YOU?

I understand that maintaining the Islamic norms needed a strong mind and commitment. By (only) saying; I will be like this or I will do that, will end to nothing.  Allah say that no one is permitted to say he/she is faithful (to Allah) until he/she get trials and pass them. I can’t easily say that I am a good Muslim while I am still taking money from unclear sources, or I still complain about the uneasiness I experience in my life.

I believe so much in YOUR words, my LORD. But, I am sorry that I am still questioning YOUR scenarios.

Right now I am facing disappointment. I have to watch big liars around me. A guy who once told me that he disagreed with deceitfulness in career promotion, and that he reached his current status by his own efforts, finally was appointed to a higher rank in my office. I am not envious with him. (But) The stinky smell bothers me. He does not fulfill the requirement to get that position. His career age as civil servant is only 17 months and he is also very young compared to the other staff who worked much longer than him. I can’t hide suspicion that something unfair is happening here.

Actually it’s my social duty to reveal this to public but… it is quite difficult, a quandary. That reaction will affect or even worsen our friendship. I don’t want to have more enemies.

I also learn from other cases in another office. For the sake of someone who is so ambitious to get promotion, the other staff must be dumped from his position, without knowing his mistakes. In other case, someone gets position that doesn’t suit his education background.

Why this still happen when our leaders talk to public that they will change those unfair ‘games’? I do my best to improve myself and my commitment toward this province. But it seems that I am alone here, in this ‘Middle of Nowhere’. No one appreciate what I did. The people, who look so nice in front of me and my husband, actually leave us without saying any excuse or explanation. Perhaps in their opinion, we don’t need any explanation at all.

Allah…. I have run what YOU decide for me and my family, but sometimes I cannot take it sincerely. No one cares for the idealism I fight for. I don’t want to be a hypocrite, and it is not my intention too to be a powerful woman. I just want to be honored as a dedicated worker. I also don’t want to keep hatred in my heart. Can YOU understand what is debating inside me now? Please console my heart…! YOU care for me, don’t YOU?